“All loving parents face essentially the same challenge: raising children who have their heads on straight and will have a good chance to make it in the big world,” wrote Foster Cline, MD, and co-author Jim Fay in Parenting with Love and Logic. “We must equip our darling offspring to make the move from total dependence on us to independence, from being controlled by us to controlling themselves.”
Unfortunately, this aim is easier declared than achieved. “Our noble intentions are often our own worst enemy when it comes to raising responsible kids,” wrote Cline and Fay. “Many of the worst kids—the most disrespectful and rebellious—often come from homes where they are shown love, but it’s just the wrong kind of love.”
Three parenting styles in particular are to be avoided. “Love and Logic parents avoid the helicopter and drill sergeant mentalities by using a consultant style of parenting as early as possible in the child’s life,” wrote Foster Cline and Jim Fay. “They ask their children questions and offer choices. Instead of telling their children what to do, they put the burden of decision-making on their kids’ shoulders.”
Helicopter parents hover over and then rescue their children whenever trouble arises. “They’re always pulling their children out of jams.” That approach will eventually leave those children “unequipped for the challenges of life.” warn Cline and Fay.
Also to be avoided is the “drill sergeant” approach. These are loving parents who believe “the more they control, the better their kids will be in the long run.” Since they are constantly told what to do, they are just as dependent on their parents as the kids of the aforementioned helicopter parents.
The third ineffective parenting style is encountered less often: the laissez-faire parent. “These are parents who for one reason or another… decide to let their children raise themselves,” an approach that Cline and Fay regard as a “cop-out or misunderstanding of parenting responsibilities.”
WHEN YOUR KID VEERS OFF COURSE
When teenagers struggle and parents have been utilizing an ineffective parenting style, an intervention may right the ship. This is where a holistic treatment program like Turning Winds comes in.
“Our philosophy is when someone has made a mistake, it’s an opportunity to teach,” explains program director Enoch Stump. “We look at whether they have gotten off the rails, pushed boundaries, or have broken rules. It’s an opportunity—our challenge is how do we help that person grow, connect, and process with them.”
The treatment program at Turning Winds is all about effecting positive change. Therapeutic approaches—many particular to the Turning Winds boarding school environment—include character education, health, and wellness of body and mind, outdoor experiential education, evidence-based clinical care, and academic success, along with continuously improving each aspect of our therapeutic program through measuring outcomes in each area.
THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN PUNISHMENT AND CONSEQUENCES
The treatment process is not just about celebrating the good times when a teen feels understood and valued. Many breakthrough moments come when they’re at their most vulnerable and angry.
When there is a “power struggle” between a kid and a member of staff, and “things shift a little bit,” then all of a sudden “it’s two people trying to be right instead of two people trying to get it right,” says chief operations officer Carl Baisden. “We work with the kids. Those are the moments, right? When I see a kid struggle and something’s not working well, our staff are trained for that. Let’s go talk to that kid, engage with that kid, try to provoke thoughts within this kid, and get some change, get some movement.”
Many parents have been there and Enoch Stump knows how badly they want their kids to make the right decisions. It’s hard for them to watch their kids suffer, deal with something hard, and make the wrong call. “So, I’m not inclined to consequence them, instead I may get frustrated and angry and yell at them.”
“We found that approach drives a gap in the relationship, preventing me from connecting with that kid and helping him to learn. If I have an emotional response it is going to hurt my relationship with my kid. If I am more matter-of-fact and able to say, ‘You’re not in a place yet to process that with you.’ So I support a consequence.”
Effective consequences encourage children to change their behavior—it’s not about punishment. “We may not be able to process with them but they feel that their lives are changing because of their behavior. They may lose out on reasonable privileges,” says Stump. “Their world shrinks.”
CONSEQUENCES REPLACE EMOTIONS
“We’re training our staff not to do it with a smile as in ‘we’re happy to give you a consequence’ but do it with a smile that says ‘I believe in you. I believe in your ability to manage this.’
I know this is going to be an effective tool as opposed to an emotional reaction a lot of our families get into and where they get more and more frustrated.”
“The biggest motivator of change is connection,” explains Baisden. “The little things are probably the big ones. I think if we took away all those personal connections and the personal touches between the staff and the kids, what would their journey look like and what would their outcome look like? Those little kind of touch points that you see where a staff goes out of their way to extend something to a kid, that stuff is just pure magic. That’s so beautiful to watch.”
Our dedicated team comprises therapists, educators, and support personnel, all committed to guiding our clients toward realizing their full potential. They form an interconnected network of support, creating a resilient, enriching environment that nurtures personal growth and self-confidence. They are our most valuable asset and the key to our clients’ transformative experiences.
At Turning Winds, we provide our clients with a compass to navigate their journey and a sturdy foundation on which they can build their success stories. It’s not about erasing the past; it’s about empowering them to write the next chapters of their lives, filled with resilience, growth, and achievement.
Over the past two decades, Turning Winds has been able to help many families overcome what seemed impossible odds. Our mission is to rescue teens from crises, renew their belief in their potential, reunite them with their families, and put them on a sustainable path to success.
Contact us online for more information, or call us at 800-845-1380. If your call isn’t answered personally, one of us will get back to you as soon as possible.
